Former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, author of Never Split the Difference
Chris Voss was an FBI negotiator for 20 plus years and now teaches negotiation to business people. He learned the application of empathy on a crisis hotline and now calls it tactical empathy. Just because you've been heard doesn't mean you feel heard, he says, so his first move is to make the other side feel completely heard and understood. Then they bond with you and become far more honest.
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Negotiation
Open with How or What, never Why. The question hands your counterpart the illusion of control and the hard part of their own ask.
how am i supposed to do that is really a way to get the other side thinking about the difficulty of the situation about the difficulty of the ask
Negotiation
Demonstrating you understand their position, not agreeing with it. Push until they say that's right, never you're right.
We put the word tactical in front of it to destigmatize the word, because in common usage the word is thought of as sympathy or compassion. And it's not.
Chris Voss
treats every negotiation as holding at least three Black Swans, unknown unknowns that would change the deal if surfaced. The party with the most information usually wins, so calibrated questions and labels exist to extract what the other side does not realise they are giving away.
Daniel Pink
argues information parity has already transformed selling. Once a buyer can look up everything a seller knows, hoarding and extraction stop paying, and honest servant-selling plus problem-finding replace them.
From Calibrated Questions
Chris Voss
opens by labelling the other side's position and letting them talk, on the view that the person doing the talking is giving away information. Tactical empathy is not warmth, it is a way of getting the real objection said out loud.
Matt Dixon
analysed 2.5 million sales calls and found most deals are not lost to a competitor at all: 40 to 60 percent of qualified pipeline is lost to no decision. His answer is to teach the buyer something they did not know, name the risk they cannot see, and take it off the table.
From Tactical Empathy
Mirroring Technique
Mirroring is repeating the last 1-3 words (or the most critical few words) someone said, using an upward-inflecting, inquisitive tone. Combined with silence, it compels…
Accusation Audit
The Accusation Audit is a pre-negotiation exercise where you list every negative thing the counterpart might think, feel, or say about you or your proposal, then…
Ackerman Bargaining Method
The Ackerman Method is a structured offer-counteroffer system originally developed by ex-CIA operative Mike Ackerman. It uses decreasing increments (65%, 85%, 95%, 100%…
Never split the difference. Compromise is a lazy, lose-lose outcome. A good deal is not one where both sides give up something they want -- it is one where both sides get what they need by understanding the other's true motivations.
Core philosophy that drives every technique in Voss's system. Splitting the difference feels fair but often satisfies nobody.
Mirror the last 1-3 words your counterpart said, using an inquisitive tone, then go silent for at least 4 seconds. Mirroring signals similarity and invites the other person to elaborate without triggering defensiveness.
Use when you need more information or when someone makes a statement you want them to expand on. Works especially well on aggressive, type-A personalities.
Label emotions before trying to address the substance. Use phrases beginning with 'It seems like...', 'It sounds like...', or 'It looks like...' followed by the emotion or dynamic you observe. Never use 'I' as the subject.
Labeling short-circuits the amygdala -- the part of the brain that reacts to threats. By naming a negative emotion, you diminish its power. By naming a positive emotion,…
If they say 'You're right,' you have lost the negotiation. If they say 'That's right,' you have won a breakthrough. Pursue 'That's right' relentlessly.
The two-word test for whether genuine understanding has been reached. 'You're right' is a polite dismissal; 'That's right' means they feel heard at a deep level.
When in doubt, mirror. Repeat the last 1-3 words, then go silent. It buys you time, gathers information, and builds rapport simultaneously.
The simplest and most versatile tool in the tactical empathy toolkit. Works in any situation where you need more information or time to think.
Never ask 'Why.' It always sounds like an accusation. Convert every 'Why' question into a 'What' or 'How' question.
'Why did you do that?' triggers defensiveness. 'What caused you to do that?' or 'How did you arrive at that?' invites explanation and collaboration.
Negotiation is not about being right or getting to 'Yes.' It is about understanding the other side so well that you can influence their decisions.
The traditional approach to negotiation (Getting to Yes, rational actor model) assumes people make logical decisions. Voss's experience in hostage negotiation proved…
The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. Separate the person from the problem by using tactical empathy to address emotions before tackling substance.
When people feel attacked, they defend themselves instead of collaborating on solutions. By addressing their emotional state first (through labels, mirrors, and…
Humans are loss-averse, not gain-seeking. Frame everything in terms of what the counterpart stands to lose by not acting, not what they stand to gain by acting.
Prospect Theory (Kahneman & Tversky) demonstrates that losses feel roughly twice as painful as equivalent gains feel pleasurable. This asymmetry means loss framing is…
