Robert Cialdini's Reciprocity Principle: Give First, Then Ask

Before he wrote Influence, Cialdini got into as many influence professions as he could, watching what they did and taking their training. Reciprocity is the rule he starts with.

We have ugly names for people who break it: moochers, takers, ingrates. Nobody wants the label, so people go to great lengths to pay back what they received. The obligation is already installed, Cialdini says, so all you do is trigger it.

The gift can be tiny, and it can come after the decision. By the time the mint arrives the meal is ordered, eaten and cleared, and the tip still goes up.

One example from that fieldwork is a waiter named Vincent. At a large table, Vincent took the first order, paused, leaned in so everyone could hear, and said the dish was not as good tonight as usual. Then he suggested something slightly cheaper. The table had just received inside information from a man who talked them out of spending more. When he later suggested the wine and the desserts, they said yes. He outearned the rest of the staff every month.

1. Walk in asking whom you can help. Cialdini gives this advice to anyone joining a new team.

2. Give favors, services or information that improve their outcome. The gift is for them, so skip anything built to make your product look better.
3. Give before the ask. In a McDonald's study he describes, every child got a balloon. Half the families got theirs on the way out, as a thank-you. Half got them on the way in, and those parents bought 25% more food.
4. Make it personal. A speakers' agent who represents Cialdini had a client who took six months to pay. A small gift with each invoice, like chocolates or a coffee card, cut that to three months. Then she learned he loved modern art and sent postcards from exhibits at her local museum. She now gets paid immediately.

5. Give what you want back. If you want respect, begin with respect. If you want more information, give more information first.
6. In a negotiation, concede first. Make your offer, then be willing to come down from it. Your concession spurs a return concession, and because you went first, you set its size and its framing.
7. With someone dug in, listen first. Listen closely, take notes, and ask questions that don't judge, like what got them to their view. When they finish, pause, nod, and say, "Well, let me give you my view." Now it is their turn to listen.
8. When someone thanks you, don't wave it off. Cialdini used to say it was no big deal, and he calls that a mistake. Inside your company, say you were glad to do it, because it's what we do here for one another. With someone outside, say this:

Works best when a real gift comes first and fits the person. The McDonald's balloons were identical, and only the timing changed.

Fails when the gift reads as a device. Cialdini separates people who give you things to obligate you from people who give because they like you. A gift designed to get you to do something is not a true gift, and he says to tell the two apart. Influence gives the defense: once a gift turns out to be a sales tactic, redefine it as a trick and the obligation to repay goes away. The people you give to can do the same to you.

Fails when concessions become the whole negotiation. On All Things Negotiation, the host, who teaches negotiation, pushed back that trading small concessions pulls both sides out of joint problem solving. Cialdini agreed concessions should not be your only tool. His fix is to make a concession and then ask for their advice on a suitable concession from their side. That turns the trade back into a shared problem.

It also fails when you cancel the debt yourself. Wave off a thank-you and you tell the other person they owe nothing. The world works better, Cialdini says, when people who give get something for it, because otherwise they stop giving.